If you can avoid that hassle when it would be: ‘Take a deep breath, and relativeer’

Not everyone is looking forward to the holiday season, and for some of us it’s familiekerstdiner something to compete with that show. Especially for a group of people to tell the two familiemediatoren how to get to the meal, and survive without a scratch.

Your sister-in-law makes a sport out of it to write to you and to your sister. Your mother, blame your brother, he’s only going to wine about gas and don’t run it. It might not sound like a very normal family, it may at the same time, to make sure that your traditional christmas dinner with the family, and would prefer to pass you, let it go.

A good preparation is half the battle, and is a mediator of Herman Schaeffer. “Make sure your staff feel good about yourself, mentally as well as physically. Tell yourself that you are not the problem, you are. You’re a good person, and do not go to the dinner you’re supposed to pick it up.”

In addition, if you are fully rested and fresh look, you will feel better and more confident. “That’s a huge help,” said Schaeffer. “When you’re tired, and excited to arrive, you’ll be sitting on the shelf. And for that, you want to avoid.”

“Expectations are sure to be a huge load, take the load off of it.”
Jolanda Elferink, mediator

Prior to him, it is better to accept that it might not be a fun-filled afternoon or evening of it. “Just so,” said Schaeffer. “What’s really good is that you have something to look forward to. So, the plan for the next day for a dinner party with your closest friends.”

The Mediator and Jolanda Elferink has been with Schaeffer again: “Hang on to a lot of weight on it would be. It doesn’t have to be cozy, and perfect. Due to a variety of expectations, there is a huge amount of this kind of events. Take the load off of it.”

You can control how you react

During the evening, you will undoubtedly be faced with multiple challenges. “Keep in mind that you always have a choice how you will respond to a particular comment,” explained the mediator and Elferink out. “Just wait a couple of seconds, take a deep breath, and relativeer.”

Schaeffer fills her in: “In this situation, you are likely to get you information. Anyone have a comment on yours as well. It is important to remember that these comments are correct about him or her self. Go yourself, why not defend it.”

Tips on how to communicate, as it threatens to go wrong

  • Have a listen to the other person (don’t jump right into the discussion)
  • Look for the “story” behind the attack
  • Ask a question: “Where did you get your anger out?” “What can we do to help?”
  • The barrel in a different way: “So, what you want to do is…” Or, “So, you’re really afraid of…”
  • Relativeer with a sense of humour
  • ‘But’ is replaced by ‘and’
  • Please do not values
  • : Don’t talk, dig deep, our emotions, ignore them, emotions take over

Two other methods of conflict resolution are ‘to admit’ doing what the other person wants the relationship to be preserved), there is a trade-off’. Elferink: “When you criticize about the work, during the dinner you can as a matter of compromise to propose: if you’re a coffee, then I clean off the table.”

There are annoyances, please let me know, from you, on their own, without the other’s reproaches to make, shall, Elferink for you. “You can say, for example:” I am very, very shocked and then to find a way out to me last year. This allows to de-escalate the quantity. It works almost all the time.”

See also:
Not everyone is celebrating Christmas with the family ‘Quarrels are often about recognition”

However, if a quarrel is imminent

If there was really a quarrel is imminent, for example on the division of caring responsibilities within the family, and then, according to Elferink, the best one in the following way: “Imagine that your sister-in-law to do the weekly laundry for your mother, and a reproach to you that you will never do it. Say, I notice you that you are rid of it should be. I will to-morrow give us a call to have to talk about it? Can we arrange to meet when I was of your help.”

This allows you make sure that the other person feels listened to. In such a case, ignore it makes little sense. In fact it’s only going to get worse,” said Schaeffer.

What, you think the mediator shouldn’t be able to do: discuss (at the beginning of prefer, but it does not have the boerenprotesten or stikstofcrisis), to dig deep into others ‘ feelings and emotions, to ignore them, just over it.

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